false alarm. still invincible.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
