But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize