im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
