I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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