When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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