Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
