Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
