the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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