awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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