the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
