PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
