Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
