We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize