Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
