Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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