I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
