when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
