Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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