We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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