it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize