the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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