Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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