did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
