it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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