Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And then he peed in my hair
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