Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize