I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
