Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
