I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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