Betty ford says i'm here all night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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