hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You made out with two different species that night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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