please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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