i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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