I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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