For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
