Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I am morally bankrupt
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
