you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
