Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
