i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
