I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
