Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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