my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
