I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize