So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
