I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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