Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
