omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
