I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
