and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize