pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
They have beer where we have blood.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
