i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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