I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
