he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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