i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
