You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
