I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
