this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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