I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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