I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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