I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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