I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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