Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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