Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
