He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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