her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
