She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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