why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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