HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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