Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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