How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
