I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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