my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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