did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found your dick twin last night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
