A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so let's talk penis.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
